Oh, Bothers

Sometimes I think my mother doesn’t love me.  Not ONCE has she ever Facebooked a photo stating share if you love your children, ignore if you like liver and onions or even something vaguely similar.  I mean, sure she SAYS she loves me, but how will I ever know if she doesn’t proclaim it on the internet?  Because at this point, it seems like she likes liver and onions.  Maybe I need to take more bathroom selfies or tell her that I’m not like other girls, I’ve heard these are excellent methods for earning love and respect.

But it’s not just my mom, I want everybody to respect me and take me seriously.  For example, i never check my spelling and grammer because readers will know what I’m saying irregardless of how I spell it.  As a writer, I want my readers to know that I AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR STUPID CONVENTIONS LIKE PROPER SPELLING because I’m spending all my time doing impressive stuff and being responsible (as demonstrated by the drunken party pics I regularly post on company time).  Speaking of company time, yoga pants are always office appropriate #YOLO.

But it’s not just about other people respecting ME, it’s also about me respecting other people.  For instance, during long flights I’m always sure to frequently kick the seat in front of me- it feels exactly like a free massage and helps to relieve stress related to deep vein thrombosis and fiery crashes.  I also make sure to bathe in cheap perfume before attending community events, so that if someone else smells bad or passes gas, they won’t have to be embarrassed about it because my own flowery scent will be delighting the nostrils of everyone.

And that’s what it always comes down to, dear readers.  RESPECT.  If you respect others, then they won’t secretly hate you.

Jazmin

PS My mother is a wonderful and fantastic lady and I love her (and she loves me too).  She makes me cool Nintendo blankets and buys Lucky Charms for me, and she even taught me how to sarcasm!