Second Star to the Right and Straight on 'Til Morning

I used to live in Neverland.  Nobody ever had to grow up, least of all me.  My friends and I were the lost boys: everything was fun and life was a game to us.  There were no responsibilities.  Little did I know though, the ticking of the crocodile was counting down to the end of my endless childhood…

Suddenly, my whole world shifted.  Reality hit me hard and fast.  My dad passed away unexpectedly and I realized my parents weren’t going to take care of me forever, there would come a day when I had nobody to fall back on.  “THIS IS YOUR REAL AND ONLY LIFE,” the world yelled at me, “YOU BETTER START TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT!”

I moved to the city.  I went to college.  I got a job.  I got a second job.  I paid my own rent and I cooked my own meals.  I did everything that adults do.  But I wasn’t an adult, I was just some kid masquerading as one.  I paid my bills and I filed my taxes and I pretended that I knew what I was doing in life, because my circumstances required it.  Here I am, three years later, and I haven’t changed, I’ve just gotten better at pretending.  And part of me is terrified that someone is going to find out that I’m not a real grown up.

When mortgage specialists didn’t take me seriously, I’d complain to friends and family.  I was being unfairly judged because I still look sixteen.  But a little voice inside me agreed with them, “You can’t really do this, you’re just a kid with a savings account,” it whispered.  I travelled to London, to Paris, to Sydney.  “Are you sure you’re old enough to travel by yourself?” the voice whispered to me.  No matter what decisions I make, that little voice is there, whispering to me, “What if you mess up?”

“Maybe it doesn’t matter if I mess up,” is what I tell that awful voice, “Maybe what matters is that I try.  And you know what, you stupid voice?  Even if I do mess up, I’ll just try again.”  And maybe that’s the secret to being an adult.  Maybe it’s not knowing what you’re doing all the time, or having your life together, or measuring up to some societal norm.  Maybe, just maybe, nobody in the world is a ‘real grown up’ after all and maybe we’re all just figuring it out, one thing at a time, too afraid to let the others know we’re still just a kid inside.


Jazmin