Lost in my mind.

If there's one thing that I remember from my church youth group it's that demons and spirits were not to be meddled with as they have the power to completely destroy you. I always thought this was useless and fabricated information, but I realize now the lesson goes beyond the demons my youth pastor was referring too. The past week has taught me that blindness towards things that haunt us results in nothing but harm.

I remember sitting in one of my favorite coffee shops, Mystic Java, in my first year of university. I was writing a comparative essay on The Glass Menagerie. I remember staring at the screen of a blank lap top for an hour, thoughtless. Not void of thoughts on what to write, but void of thoughts about life, love, happiness, everything. I felt empty, like something was missing. I somehow mustered up the ability to write the essay and it ended up being my lowest graded essay in all of my university career.

That feeling of emptiness I felt at Mystic Java kept reoccurring time and time again over the following year. I didn't understand how I could feel so empty during a time in my life where I was experiencing so much and meeting so many different and unique people. I should have been enjoying every moment, but it felt like every moment of joy was followed by a moment of insecurity, unhappiness, and loneliness.

The following year I was introduced to a feeling unlike no other: love. I was grateful for the love I found on so many different levels, but it especially helped me to feel happiness once again. Unfortunately, when I was losing contact with that feeling the emptiness returned on a level that seemed impossible. It became apparent to me, finally, the love I felt was just a mask for what I was truly feeling: depression.

I could literally feel the relationships around me begin to crumble. I felt so much anger and unhappiness at every moment. Conversation with my parents was non-existent, I was looking for excuses to not see my best friends, laying in bed was all I wanted to do, and leaving the house seemed like an impossible task. I could literally feel my life slipping out of my hands. I felt like I had nothing left.

I don't want this to go on forever, because it certainly could. All I want to say is that I found help and the past year I have spent recovering and finding happiness again. I've found it in some unexpected places, but the easiest way to finding it was by being vocal and honest about it. There was no way I could recover and find myself again if I had remained silent. Reaching out to those I love was one of the most important decisions I have made in my entire life. I wonder sometimes if I hadn't where I would be today. Would I even be here writing this blog? I can't even begin to imagine where my life was headed.

This week I lost a family member to a demon that he has been facing for many years. There is nothing more painful than knowing you've lost someone to something they could have overcome. That just goes to show how powerful these things we as humans deal with are. He was young, intelligent, talented, ambitious, had so much going for him, and he was loved by everyone he knew. Unfortunately one thing in his life caused him to lose it all. I could never wish this upon anyone and this is why we as humans must face our demons and do whatever we can to help those around us deal with them, as well. It's not a solo effort, but something we must all collaborate on.

So in response to my youth pastor, I hope that you do face your demons. Don't let them become you, because they have the power to ruin you. And if you're facing depression like I still face every day, please know that help is out there and you can recover from it, but please, don't remain silent about it.

Until next time,

xoxo, Cale
The Sassy Friend.

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth