The beginner's guide to becoming a Passive-Aggressive Bitch.

The Beginner’s Guide to Becoming a Passive-Aggressive Bitch
By Dr. Cale Bosch, Ph.D. Passive-Aggressiveness

First, you must familiarize yourself with what it means to be passive-aggressive. I believe the best way in doing this would be by defining both words of the compound.

Passive: “not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling.”

Aggressive: “characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militantly forward or menacing”

How would I describe a passive-aggressive person, then? I’d describe them as someone who acts aggressively in a very indirect way.

I believe that passive-aggressiveness goes hand-in-hand with sarcasm. You’ll notice in the things I’ve listed below (specifically in the list of phrases and step 4) that sarcasm plays a large roll in it. Sarcasm is an easy way to show bitterness with a quick, harmless remark. The problem with sarcasm is that it can sometimes be a little bit too direct. However, I believe a truly skilled Passive-Aggressive Bitch must master the art of sarcasm in a flawless way that can go undetected.

Here are 4 easy steps to start your off on your journey to becoming the most hated (or idolized) Passive-Aggressive Bitch of them all!

1)   Manipulation

You must learn the art of convincing anyone to do anything you want without blatantly asking for it. Example:

Basic Bitch: "I’m ready to leave"
Passive-Aggressive Bitch: "Oh, okay, well, I guess we could gp."
Basic Bitch: "Well it is getting late."
Passive Aggressive Bitch: "Ya, you’re probably right. I guess I just didn’t talk to everyone that I wanted to yet."
Basic Bitch: "Fine, I guess we can stay a little longer."

Take note of how the Passive-Aggressive Bitch (lets refer to him or her as PAB, from now on) appeared to have surrendered in the conversation.  This is key in the art of manipulation; it enables you and puts you above the Basic Bitch (BB, from now on).

2)   Irritation

Learn ways to really irritate someone who genuinely pisses you off. The best suggestion I have is do something that doesn’t involve any actual interaction. This could cause you to fail miserably in your attempt to irritate the shit out someone. Failure is not an option for the PAB. For instance, someone who hates country music is pissing you off? Blast some country music whenever they’re around. And make sure it’s so ‘country’ that maybe even you can’t stand it. You may have to go out of your way to even irritate yourself in order to really push the buttons of that BB. If you want to be a truly successful PAB you may have to surrender your own sanity just to be sure you ruin someone elses', as well.

3)   Sabotage

If the opportunity to make something go horribly wrong for that BB you hate arises... take it. Why make something easy for someone when you could so easily make it that much more difficult for them? Example: you’re going on a vacation and you want to take out some aggression on a coworker you don’t necessarily favor. It would be in your best interest to make sure you ‘accidentally’ fail at completing a few important tasks before you embark on your vacation in order to make things that much more difficult for that BB coworker when you’re gone. Another easy form of sabotage is if someone annoying and basic asks you for help in doing something make sure you intentionally do the worst job you possibly can. Not only will this annoy the shit out of them but most likely keep you from ever having to help him or her again. That's a double win right there. 12 PAB points. 

4)   Notes

Notes are a passive-aggressive person’s best friend. Take a look at a few notes I’ve compiled that quite blatantly show the actions of a PAB. 

 It’s important to understand that if you wish to successfully become a PAB you must post sarcastic notes on everything instead of actually confronting that annoying BB who keeps stealing all of your food out of the refrigerator. I'm a fan of asking for things through passive-aggressive notes, as well. I find you can really increase a notes passive-aggressiveness with some forms of flattery, as well as annoying smiley faces. If things aren't properly getting done at work, for instance, an example of a note I might leave would be "Make sure the soup pots are actually getting cleaned properly, darling!! <3 The Cream of Potato soup hates to have old chunks of Vegetable Beef soup in it! :) :) :) THANKSSSSS XOXOXO." Not saying this an actual note I've written, but if it had been you could bet those soup pots would have always been clean from then on. 

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You're almost there!! One last minor detail:

 I’ve compiled a short list of common phrases used by passive-aggressive bitches. Make sure you add these to your vocabulary. They’ll have you sailing through passive-aggressiveness!

“I’m not mad”
“Fine. Whatever”
“I guess that’s okay”
“Oh wow, you’re joking”
“You don’t say”

Have any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments below. Until then, good look on your journey to the top of the passive-aggressive food chain! May everyone beware and keep their eyes out for you.

Until next time,
 

xoxo, Cale
The Sassy Friend.