The Beginner’s Guide to Bad Decisions

Please don’t attempt any of the things mentioned in this blog post, as they were performed by professionals and could prove harmful when not accompanied by sheer dumb luck.  Some details have been changed to protect the guilty.

The Beginner’s Guide to Bad Decisions

Sorry Mom.

Have you ever thought that you might want to be known for your poor decision-making skills?  If so, look no further because I’m your girl.  Bad decisions are kind of my specialty.

What You’ll Need:

• an open mind
• increasingly lower standards
• spontaneity

Optional:

• alcohol
•  dignity

The Rules:

    1)    Try anything once and most things twice.

    2)    There’s a difference between getting fucked and getting fucked over.  Take chances but don’t put yourself in danger.  Be smart.

    3)    Know what you’re comfortable with and make exceptions for no one.

Guidelines:

On time and place…  There’s a time and place for everything and it’s always RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE.  If you’re considering doing something that probably shouldn’t be done in public and/or in front of others, do it anyway because IN YOUR FACE SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS!  (Also, um, literally in your face because I know no boundaries.  Sorry about that…)

On educating others…  Should you be giving out safe sex advice to teenagers at McDonalds?  Absolutely.  Should you offer them free condoms “just in case”?  Absolutely.  Should you lose your friend somewhere in the process?  Absolutely.

On knowing your limits…  If you know that something (or someone) is bad news for you, keep going back for more.  For example, if you know that it is physically impossible for you to behave responsibly at a certain western-themed gathering place, continuing to frequent said gathering place is in your best interests.

On portion control…  The only thing I have to say in regards to this is: CHALLENGE.  ACCEPTED.  Act first, deal with the consequences second.  You’ll have time to lie on the couch regretting those eight boxes of mozza sticks later.  (Unless we’re talking about the whipped cream challenge because not only is that shit impossible, it might inadvertently cause you to tell a grocery clerk you’re good at swallowing.  And you’ll regret that statement for years to come.)

On planning a safe ride home…  A random old man walks into the bar and asks if anyone needs a ride?  Jump up, friends in tow, and go with him.  Random guy gets in your cab with you?  Might as well go to his house instead then.  Five random guys ask if you want to leave with them?  Even better.

On making mistakes…  We’ve all heard the saying, “Don’t make the same mistake twice”.  How true!  Instead, you should make the same mistake eight or nine times.  Maybe even more.  It’s up to you, really.  Why waste a bad decision on only one occasion when you can stretch it out over five years or more?

Side Effects:

Side effects of bad decision-making may include a heavy dose of regret with a serving of an infamous reputation. 

But what’s the worst that could happen?  Sure, you might be known for one bad decision for the rest of your life, but that guarantees that all of your OTHER bad decisions will fly by under the radar.  Trust me on this one.  You can do anything now.

Jazmin