I Moustache You a Question

Without a doubt, the best part of being friends with the opposite sex is asking them all those weird questions you’ve always wanted to know the answer to.  But there are some questions I’ve just never gotten to ask anyone (YET, that is).  I wish that the majority of my questions weren’t about penises, but what can I say? 

Without further ado:

  1)   Can you feel it when your voice cracks?  We can all hear it, but can you feel it?  Does a deepening voice come with any physical sensations?

  2)   What is with the public hands in pants thing?  I understand a lot of things about guys, but I do not understand this.  I get why you’d need to adjust, I DON’T get why you’d do it in public.  I mean, sometimes things just can’t wait (I’ll admit to the occasional awkward public adjustment, for example: pokey underwire, am I right ladies?), but I see this FAR TOO OFTEN.  Please stop putting your hand down your pants.  Please.

  3)   What is happening with your erection when you’re performing oral sex while lying down?  In my mind, I’m imagining you lying on your stomach or a similar position, pleasuring your lady (or gentlemen) friend- but WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?  I feel like lying on top of it would be uncomfortable.  Is there some slick tucking maneuver I don’t know about?  I actually asked a friend this question once and he told me that he doesn’t like “splittin’ the kitten” (his words, not mine), and it’s so much of a boner killer for him, that it’s literally a boner killer and not a problem he’s ever had to deal with.  But this isn’t the case for all guys (is it?).

  4)   Do you think that I’m into unsolicited dick pics?  Because I’m not.  I’m not into receiving them, and I’m not into you randomly showing me your dick pics in person either.  Again, this is one that I’ve actually asked someone before and the answer I got was, “Because I’m into unsolicited tit pics”.  Fair enough.

  5)   What is your beard-washing regimen?  Do you wash it like you’d wash your face?  Or do you wash it like you’d wash your hair?  A third method altogether?

  6)   Stop wearing shiny shorts.  (Shiny shorts referring to those basketball style shorts that are weirdly shiny.)  This one’s not a question.  It’s a command.  But if I had to phrase it as a question, I’d ask, “Are you aware that we can all see a perfect outline of your package while you wear shiny shorts?”  And PLEASE don't run in them.

  7)   How often do you consider having a moustache?  I’m pretty sure that if I was a guy, I’d think about it every time I looked in a mirror.  “I bet I’d look good.  Would I look too much like a pedophile?  No, it would look sweet.  What if I looked like a 70s porno cop?  Nah, I wouldn’t, I’d look fucking awesome.  Yeah.  I’m gonna grow one.  Oh man, what if it looks terrible while it’s still growing in?  How long will that in-between stage last?  I don’t want to find out, better not try.”

  8)   How do you open jars so easily?  Ha, just kidding.  Sort of.

  I think that's about all.

  Jazmin